Muddy Footprints

Pic Neil Palmer, Wikimedia

Since school, the study of ancient Rome, Stonehenge, Newtonian physics and muddy footprints has entranced me. For many years, I have urged universities to overcome grave deficiencies and include muddy footprints in their social science curriculums.

Muddy footprints is an essential topic for the accomplished conversationalist.  To win a lady’s heart, a young man must be able to toss off jaunty quips about muddy footprints to prepare him for the romantic adventures that lie ahead.

Shoes vary in their ability to impart a decent footprint, yet the shoe shop rarely alludes to this quality. I believe the box you buy the shoes in should grade the shoes’ footprinting ability, detailing its strength, depth and pattern, and how effectively mud adheres to the sole, so you can compare shoes and make a purchase based on these essential criteria. 

Muddy footprints vary in impact and depend on where they are. Muddy footprints on the porch score less than muddy footprints on the new rug in the living room. People need to be aware of this grading so they can apply their footprints according to their desire to cause dismay.

Footprints are a great indicator of behaviour. A footprint that tends from the backdoor straight to the fridge reveals starvation and deserves a sympathetic response. A lenient approach is appropriate when footprints enter from the back door and head straight to the toilet.

Parents rarely leave muddy footprints. It’s a great shame but understandable, for if they did, they would lose their moral superiority and be unable to convincingly chastise their offspring.

  Nowadays, the Olympic Games seem to include every form of human activity. I suggest that the Olympic Games committee include muddy footprinting as a sport. The competitor with the most incredible stamping ability and the longest trail would win the gold medal, taking into consideration the speed of application, accuracy, and intricacy of design.

Muddy footprints are not the same as foot imprints in the mud. Dinosaurs left imprints in the mud, but where are the muddy footprints?  If the dinosaurs squelched in mud, there must be fossilised muddy footprints elsewhere. A Nobel prize awaits the scientist who discovers some.

I advocate we allow muddy footprints to accumulate on the kitchen floor as a fascinating substitute for photographs. You could captivate your visitors, pointing and saying Wendy laid these after her operation, and those were Timi, aged three on the first day of kindy. You could even frame and hang a memorable footprint on the living room wall to entrance your guests and stimulate conversation.  

I have been watching a documentary about Margaret Rutherford, the original and perhaps most appealing actress, who plays Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. Set in the post-war world, her primary source of clues included fingerprints, overheard conversations and muddy footprints. However, in modern detective stories, the main source of clues comes from surveillance cameras, psychological profilers, pathologists, and DNA.

In modern detective stories, muddy footprints have been given the boot.