That dreadful word - 'Level'

For many years I have despised the word, level. It lacks colour and feeling. This is due to its letters L, E and V. V stands on the one hand for Victory and on the other, VD. There is no consistency. V is a philanderer, a shameless letter.

Nobody likes the letter E. – it introduces appalling words like end, empty, egotistical. That brings us to the letter L. We all avoid L if we can, but there are two L’s in level. Words with two L’s are hell, illegitimate and wall. Wall is another unloved word, merely a junction between here and there.

Other letters are better. I is good. Light, inspire, iridescent. O is a comical letter; open-mouthed, oaf, potato.  O is only acceptable in pairs as in good, book, and food. The letter U is beneath contempt. In polite society, no one talks about the letter U – under, udder, ugly. The vowel I love the most is A. It has a warm glow, a staunch letter – admire, advance, artist, aesthetic. Even words like aghast are rich and thrilling. If I wanted to marry a letter, I would definitely choose to marry A.  

But level doesn’t have these vowels. It is just stuck with E, and there are two of them, which makes it twice as bad.

The word level is nothing, not a mountain, or a hill or a valley. The only use of level is when it is on the table and stops the food from sliding off. Level is neither up not down, right or left. The only level we like is the horizon. But that is because the horizon is curved, and we all love curves.

Level is one of those words which, like a cockroach, lurks in the crack of a sentence. It doesn’t spring out. It is a dull word like damp and block.

Level is similar to bevel and divit, words that merely slot in. I never liked a divit, a sod of grass kicked out of the football field.

Level makes me think of the desert, or something slithering around under the bed. Level doesn’t lead anywhere, it just lies in wait.

The letters in level can be reversed but this quality is overrated, it carries no weight. Other reversible words include pip, pop and pup, words of little consequence.

A word carries weight depending on its metric rhythm, such as irascibility, iridescent, and incandescent, words that roll off the tongue and catch the attention. Mustard and sauce are both lively words, but cornflour is enough to make you go to bed and have a good sleep. Cornflour weakens the limbs.

Even phrases like on the level or level playing fields have socialist connotations to be avoided at all costs.

Spend is a dreadful word. But manufacture and incognito are good words that lift the soul and give meaning to the day. The word accoutrement is a very good word. I can imagine it strutting around the farmyard.

A wall made of the words alabaster or ignominy would block you, but if a wall was made of the word level you would just step over it.

In a word level doesn’t make the grade. It is flat.