tradition

It was the tradition in my family to put the knife and fork together when finishing the meal. But this required a serious decision. At what angle should you place your knife and fork? Regrettably, in this crucial aspect, there appeared to be no formal rules. In our family of six, the choice was random. It was three knives and forks angled to the left, two to the right, and one straight ahead. There were further rules: no elbows on the table; don’t speak with your mouth full; ask to be excused from the table.

For centuries, it was a tradition in Europe not to use a fork; the church forbade it, deeming it a symbol of the devil. So everyone ate with a sharp knife. As bloody lips became increasingly unfashionable, forks gradually wormed their way in.

Tradition in America is to chop up your meal and then scoop up the pieces and shovel them in with the fork alone.

The latest tradition in eating is the table vacuum. It is a nifty device for vacuuming food from your plate directly into your mouth. Consider the many times you lift morsels of food with your fork, taking them one little bit at a time. It is inefficient, slow, and exhausting, as a sped-up film of your hand going relentlessly up and down would illustrate.

The table vacuum is a tube containing a small vacuum pump running from your plate to your mouth, and it only requires you to cut up your food before vacuuming. The prototype automatic food cutter was trialled, but it propelled the peas all over the room and needed redeveloping.

With the improved models of table vacuum, you place the nozzle over a tasty piece of steak, then press a button on your hand-held remote, and zip, the steak shoots up into your mouth while your arm rests elegantly on your lap. You then direct the nozzle over the beans and zip, up they come, allowing you the freedom to converse with friends or watch TV without distraction.

It was once a tradition to have a finger bowl of water to wash your hands. The finger bowl has now been converted to wash out the vacuum tube. You drop the nozzle into the bowl of water and, whoosh, the water spins around and cleans out the tube, ready for dessert.

The latest innovation is a small mincer located inside the tube. You place the nozzle on a piece of fish, and as it is scooped up, the mincer mashes it, so when you receive it in your mouth, you are free to focus and enjoy the full flavour without the arduous task of chewing. You quietly roll the fish around in your mouth, exulting in the luxury of relaxing while tasting. Disabled and elderly people, those who are sick, and busy individuals find this device a tremendous boon, as it is quick and labour-saving, plus it avoids unpleasant slurping sounds.

However, even with this revolutionary device, problems and decisions remain. When you finish eating and want to put the remote down, do you place it to the left, to the right, or straight in front of you?